Catch up on Mandalas

So my blogging on my Mandalas stopped at Stage 6 - which in fact turned out to be a pivotal stage.  That decision, that huge piece of art (compared with the ones that went before and came after) ultimately did turn out to be the start of a series of changes that have brought me to a whole series of endings and new beginnings :-)

So what happened in between?

Stage 7 Squaring the Circle.  This stage proved to be a challenge, yet again, this time because the mandala just didn't feel right.  I was very resistant to measuring and using compasses and a ruler after getting used to the more feminine mandalas of just allowing the process to happen. It took several attempts to feel the flow and create something that wasn't forced but even now, several months on, I don't like the overall effect!  Though that tells me a lot, especially considering what was happening in my life at the time....

Round 7 - Squaring the Circle

And this was an alternative version I did.  Although I like the colours more, it didn't feel 'true' to the exercise and was a bit 'wishy-washy' - a cop-out, lol.

And if I thought Round 7 was difficult, that was child's play compared with Round 8 !!  Again, having to measure angles and follow the prescribed patterns meant it didn't flow and I had several attempts at this one too.  So much is clearer now, with some time and distance from what was going on then - in July, August, early September, I was really struggling to stay in touch with my inner self, and desperately seeking answers to what turned out to be the wrong questions.  I actually gave up on this mandala in the end, scrawling "I don't know" across it in black marker pen when I couldn't find the answers I was looking for!

Stage 8 - Functioning in the World

Stage 9 was a relief as this one just flowed easily and I was very glad I hadn't just 'forgotten' how to relax into the process of creating the mandalas.  Even though this was still a 'measured' mandala requiring the use of compasses, I felt much happier with colouring this one in and love the overall effect, though it wasn't at all the effect I'd had in mind.  The petals are coloured with watercolour pencils, then 'painted' with water, the green and yellow are sponged acrylics.
By this time I'd decided that my relationship really was over and that I would be leaving my job at the end of my current contract.  I was planning for that to be the end of October (I wasn't expecting my boss to beg me stay until the end of project which at that point was due to finish on Christmas Eve).  There was a certain amount of relief in that decision and I was becoming more solitary and withdrawing into myself a lot, which made connecting to my inner wisdom a lot easier.

Stage 9 - Reaping Rewards

And so to October and Stage 10.  This was both painful and releasing.  There were a whole series of these "Letting Go" mandalas, only a few of which are shown here.  So many things to get go of, to say goodbye to.  I can't even remember what all of these represented now, though some of them are obvious to me - the first one was burned in a hotel room and I had quite a job to get the soot off the carpet when I dropped it, lol.  At the time, I was on a weekend retreat in Bristol doing more shamanic work in Council and this was a very appropriate healing time to release a lot of the past and a lot of hopes for the future that would never be achieved. 

Stage 10 - Letting Go

Stage 11 was another one that I was ready for.  "Falling Apart" was so painfully relevant as a topic and yet it was another form of release to do the exercises and examine different aspects of the situation in which I found myself.  And it turned out that my shadow side is still pretty well integrated, I have been very honest with myself (if not perhaps with others) for a very long time and there were no shocking surprises or ghastly revelations to sit with.  I found this series very comforting and relaxing, more of a confirmation of what I already knew than anything else :-)

1. Scratch Art mandala

 

The scratch art mandala was a lovely exercise.  I didn't really dislike any of the colours so just picked colours at random that I wouldn't normally use and coloured in the circle.  I actually liked the overall effect of the colours, nothing jarred or felt out of place.  And covering it all up with black was very peaceful, like laying a blanket over something that needed to be kept safe and warm.  The scratching was also therapeutic - my beloved spirals again, lol - and I love the final result.  

 

2. Fractured Ego mandala

 

Another exercise that I enjoyed, though I was expecting to find this a little more difficult.  I took a photograph of myself and cut it up, then stuck the pieces down over a circle I'd marked on the page.  The picture looks a lot more random here than it does to me in real life - the full size page is about A4.  Again, nothing particularly negative or shocking came up for me, though there were some interesting facets when I asked the mandala some questions. 

3. Fractured Ego mandala v2

 

I did this one a couple of days ago, so 2-3 weeks after the previous two.  I thought perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough to dig around for my shadow so I picked the two qualities that infuriated me most about Rich and worked with those.  Even then, it was easy to find the positives and where they had served me and I found this to be another calming exercise.  I am in a very peaceful state of mind and am definitely on the right path so perhaps I have done with trauma for a little while at least :-)

25 December - Watch this space :-)

Having just read back over the last entry, that didn't quite work out as planned, lol.  Story of my life over the last few months :-D
Things have moved on quite a lot over the intervening weeks.  I managed to stick with the writing with the support of Lisa's Sassy SHE writing group and wrote around 50,000 words during November.  Much of it was journaling, some was on my skydiving blog and some of it was meant to be on this blog though that part didn't happen!  I also started writing a couple of short stories (not complete yet, I'm not sure that I'm a story-teller in that particular way) and wrote a piece for Julie's e-book on Mandala Magic that will be published soon :-) 

My mandala course for this year is very nearly done.  I have completed the 3 mandalas for Stage 11 and have started reading the material for Stage 12.  I have signed up for the next year when the Great Round of Mandala will be called Mandala Magic, although I believe it will follow a similar format.  It's starting on 8th Jan so I have a couple of weeks to complete Stage 12 without feeling rushed :-)  And I have loved it!  It has been an amazing tool in a year that has been very traumatic in many ways.  Mandalas have helped me to access my inner knowledge to a depth and degree that I never would have anticipated, and may very well have run away from had I known just how deep I would go, lol.  And it has become very much a natural part of my life.  I look forward to each stage, though some have been very difficult, and I allow the process to take over, get my head out of the way, which has led to some fascinating insights as well as a few shocking realisations about things I was trying to avoid facing up to.  Yet the deep work is always worth the soul-searching and having shed many tears, and called on reserves of strength I'd hoped never to have to drag up again, I have come out of the other side, stronger and happier than I ever would have thought possible considering the changes I've made.  I have left my job, left the flat, left London and in doing so, I have walked away from my relationship with Rich for the last time.  There will be no going back, no further chances, this time I'm done.  And the knowledge that there is no hope of reconciliation, that this is like a little death, for the loss of all the hopes and dreams for the future, facing that head-on, has at times brought me to my knees.  And now I am back on both feet, have processed that loss and am dancing towards the New Year and new beginnings :-)  I have so much to look forward to and no reason to look back.  I am bubbling over with ideas for the next few weeks and months and have so much to do to prepare for the next stage of my life. 

I chose to spend the Solstice alone, a weekend of contemplation and ritual, ceremonial fires and lots of candles and incense.  And I found a very deep peace in doing so.  It made coming back to London for the final day in the office far more bearable and allowed me the space to clear everything of Rich's from my home and leave it in the flat.  I had originally planned to take a couple of trips to sort everything out and maybe catch up with him one last time, then my intuition told me to just finish it, then and there, remove all of my belongings and make a clean end to it.  And so I did.  And coming back home to my own space for my last day of working (from home on Christmas Eve!) was such a blessing, despite the mess of piled boxes and bags that need unpacking and sorting.  And I have held onto that magic.  It is now Christmas Day and I am still enjoying my solitude, the peace, the quiet, the sanctuary that is my home.  Even though I have a lot of work to do here, it is still my sacred space. And one of my goals for this coming year is to declutter it :-)

I started my Celtic Trees course with Ros and Jon at the end of November and the first month was Birch.  After a bit of a struggle I found silver birch trees in London (lots of them at More London near Tower Bridge as it turned out!) and have found more back home, very close to my house.  I took the Friday off work to allow me to travel down to Exmoor at a leisurely pace, and on the Thursday night, the very lovely Amanda posted on the Crystal Dragon facebook page about a healing glade that was going to be planted in Henley-on-Thames the following morning.  I leapt at the chance to join the ceremony, so spent a couple of happy hours, digging holes, planting hawthorn, rowan and alder with crystals to protect them, and drinking mead, sparing a little to water the roots of the trees.  The trees are in 3 groups of 3 within a semi-circle of birch trees, whose roots extend pretty much the whole way across the glade.  I went back for the full moon (though as usual, she hid herself!) and hugged one of the birch trees for some time, before talking to each of the trees we had planted and watering them again with some mead.  The birch tree also gave me one of her branches, which had fallen off but was hanging just within reach, so that is now waiting for the right time to be carved. 
After finishing with the glade, I drove down to Glastonbury.  I had intended to climb the Tor or visit the Chalice Well Gardens though when I arrived, I was so tired, I decided to have a cup of tea and a rest first.  And whilst sitting in the café, I listened to my body and realised that, as usual, I was exhausted.  And there really wasn't any benefit to forcing myself up the Tor or walking a couple of miles to the gardens and back so instead, I wandered around the shops.  And bought myself some Yule gifts :-)  New journals for the Celtic Trees and for a new project I'm planning to start.  A sheepskin cover for my steering wheel since the electrically heated one seems to have stopped working.  A lambskin pad for my seat belt to protect my shoulder when driving.  A new hat with ear flaps for all this walking I shall be doing visiting trees in inclement weather :-)

And when I was done, I headed on towards Exmoor, thinking I might arrive early and explore.  Except I was so tired, I had to stop partway there and pull over - I slept for 45 minutes, only waking when the alarm went off, but feeling much better for the nap.  And so it has continued, this listening to my body.  Not ploughing on regardless, taking time out when needed.  And slowly I have come back to myself, back to my deep inner knowing.  And I have found a very great peace in that space :-)