Sunday 23 November 2014

Some drastic changes

So, some massive changes and some difficult times.

The Reiki retreat was a challenge - I was slightly late arriving because I'd had a difficult visit with dad who wasn't well again, and everyone else was fairly settled.  I was sharing a room so apart from walks, didn't really get much time on my own for the few days we were there.  And I was exhausted.  I slept every possible opportunity.  Every break, either before or after meals, each time my head hit the pillow, I was out cold.  And yet, never truly felt rested.  

The sessions were very interesting and I was fascinated to see how I could merge my shamanic work more thoroughly with Reiki.  We did treatments on each other and they were very powerful.  One of my last ones, I had 'nerves in my legs' healed, which really gave me a jolt.  Both mum and dad's illnesses have been to do with attacks on the central nervous system and I have been petrified of it happening to me!  

Not long after I got back, I had a call from dad's cleaner telling me he was really unwell and she didn't know what to do.  Later it transpired he had answered the door naked, and the whole house was covered in poo.  Quite literally.  Aga and I had a horrid time cleaning it all up - I did 7 loads of washing over 2 days to deal with it all :-(   And after being passed from pillar to post, GP to 111 to 999, eventually dad was admitted to a&e for rehydration.  Except that it turned out that although he was dehydrated, it was constipation that was the issue, not the runs, and he also was unable to pass urine.  After having nearly 1.5 litres drained from his bladder (with a little left in to prevent bladder collapse), a catheter was inserted and dad and I were left in a side room overnight.  I eventually left at 3am and went back to find that dad had been admitted properly with a UTI that was causing him massive confusion and delirium.  And basically this turned out to be the start of several months of stress and trauma.  Dad remained in hospital, moving between different wards, for nearly 7 weeks.  His medication was assessed and reassessed through hallucinations, psychosis and debilitating side effects.  He is now home but barely able to walk, at severe risk of falls, with carers attending several times a day.  Plus he is on 'acknowledged risk' feeding where there is a high risk of choking or taking food or drink into his lungs due his swallowing reflex failing.  Eating is one of the few pleasures he has left, so once it became obvious there was nothing more anyone could do for him, the restrictions were lifted.  We know it will reduce his life expectancy, probably quite drastically, assuming a bad fall or major infection don't get there first.  But we want him to have whatever quality of life we can manage, for whatever time he has left.  

It has become very obvious that he is not coping at home so we are trying to find a care home place for him as quickly as possible.  We always suspected that going home from hospital to his house was only an interim measure, to make the transition to a home less drastic, and now that has proved to be the case. 

Friday 5 September 2014

Day 10 of 30

A bit of a strange day.  Woke around 8:30 after being late to bed and yet again, felt pretty unmotivated to do any work on my bedroom.  Eventually sorted myself out enough to head over to the Crystal Dragon to have a catch up with Clive, then spent the afternoon and evening with Caroline and the children which was great fun. 
After reading with Lucy and Michael, Caroline and I ended up spending about 5 hours (!!) building Lego models from all the pieces we had sorted out earlier.  A pretty decent collection of cars, planes and boats ended up on Michael's desk ready for him to play with when he gets home from his first day back at school tomorrow.  

I still haven't started packing for my Shamanic Reiki retreat which starts tomorrow and I have to fit in another visit to see dad and get his invoices paid beforehand.  And I really need to call a few agencies and get my CV sorted if I'm going to get a new job before the end of the month. 

Day 9 of 30

03 Sept and a busy day ahead was planned.  Except I couldn't get myself motivated enough to head over to dad's as I am completely exhausted.  So resting this morning, then will attempt some gentle climbing at lunchtime, followed by more chilling out this afternoon.  Maybe head over to dad's after that to sort his invoices.  
Don't feel too bad after the box-fit class last night, really hoping DOMS doesn't kick in tomorrow, lol.  Will head back over there for another session tomorrow evening and see how I get on.  Getting back into it is the hardest bit, so if I just stick at it for a few weeks, I should be fine :-)

Had a great climbing session and tackled some tough routes, though didn't manage to finish all of them.  More projects to work on :-)
Chill out session was fabulous, though I got home later than I expected.  Took the Porsche out for a run with the top down and although I enjoyed it, I don't think I will really miss it that much.

Tuesday 2 September 2014

Day 8 of 30

Second day of September and the sun is back out after a couple of days of almost non-stop rain.  Perfect jumping weather and I'm at home stripping wallpaper, lol.  

Lots to think about and process after my session with Sebastian yesterday.  I can see how digging too deeply can cause people to come apart at the seams!  

Need to do a load of tidying up too as Jon is staying tonight as he has a job in London and I haven't even started on tackling the stuff I brought back from nearly 2 weeks camping.  Housework vs sunshine - hmmmm..... 

So didn't do much on the bedroom but did 3 loads of washing, tidied up, had an hour of climbing and then an hour of box-fit.  It was exhausting but I didn't do as badly as I thought I might.  Burpees hurt my back too much so I do squats instead, but managed to keep going through all of the interval sessions without slowing down too much.  I will definitely get fitter if I keep going, 3 minutes has rarely felt so long, lol.  Probably haven't got time to go back tomorrow as I have to see dad, then am climbing at lunchtime and off to Kestrel in the afternoon.  Will try to get back there on Thurs and sign up for the six week transformation programme.  I have to shift the last few pounds I put on (managed to drop several already) then see where my weight settles.  I've probably lost muscle as I haven't been really pushing it with the exercise so it will probably be a challenge to see a change in the scales.  Time to get the tape measure out again....

Monday 1 September 2014

Day 7 of 30

01 Sept.
Have finished typing up the last few days journal entries so how are things today? 
Still a bit tired but slept well in my own bed.  Got a session with Sebastian this afternoon so need to get myself together and do some work on my bedroom before then.  Very little motivation to get back to it though the thought of T staying over on Wednesday is a bit of an incentive.  Since it is already past 11am, I had better get on with it, lol. 

Stripped a lot of wallpaper and now feel motivated enough to continue tomorrow, with the aim of finishing as much as possible by the end of the week.  Very tired now having had a 3 hour session with Sebastian and a pole class, plus have visited the new gym down the road and will be going to my first class tomorrow night.  The plan is to do a six week trial membership and get properly fit again, which is desperately needed.  I have lost a lot of my core strength and definitely need a lot more stamina.  

Made some juices before going to pole class so have ginger shots and tomorrow's daily dose already prepared :-)  I will get back on track!

Day 6 of 30

Woke up groggy yet again.  Desperately needed the loo but ignored it for over an hour to go back to sleep.  Need to go to bed earlier but that won't happen today as I'm in the tunnel from 7-8 with nearly 2 hours to drive home.
Definitely back to juicing tomorrow - hate feeling this lethargic.  And sort out the gym membership as I am sluggish and unfit plus I need to shift about a stone in weight.  Madame Podgy!

Took it easy with packing up, starting gradually in the morning with most of the contents of the bell tent whilst keeping the stall open.  Went to a Breath and Voice workshop with Gray (who forgot and was late, lol) which was intriguing even though I don't agree with all of his assertions.  He believes that our given birth name is what links us to our ancestors and needs to be honoured.  I believe that my name is a useful label that can be changed as circumstances dictate.  But I did enjoy the sounding of the vowels for each of our names and felt more confident with my own voice.  And I will do the exercises for my original given name as well as with my current name as there is obviously still more to be healed from my childhood.  Layers upon layers, I do find it somewhat depressing that there doesn't seem to be an end to it...

Tunnel was great fun and my side sliding has definitely improved, though still quite a way from perfect, lol.  Did some 3 way and that got better over the sessions too.  Still need to remember to point my toes to keep my legs from waving all over the place.  Got better with mantis position too - having my arms too high definitely makes me very floaty!  It's hard work to keep them down but will practice that in freefall when I've got lots of space for my wobbles!

Day 5 of 30

30 Aug.
Slept well after also having my nap yesterday when Ros was making her reindeer drum.  Feel very groggy now though and not particularly well rested.
Drew a Goddess card and got Coventina: Purification.  It is time for a cleansing detoxification of your body and mind.
That feels appropriate as I have been eating way too much junk over the last couple of weeks whilst camping.

Earth Magic card was Rainbow: Blessings.  It fell out of the pack but I put it back and carried on shuffling.  When it fell out again, I couldn't ignore it, lol. 

Workshop with Leo Rutherford on Star Maiden Circle.  Definitely shifted things for 2 people who went into the centre, and was very moving for the rest of us.  Very similar to Pip's 'Working in Council' though the directions had slightly different meanings.  The Medicine Wheel is also different to the Celtic Medicine Wheel with elements in different directions.  I guess we each use what works for us, it's more about working around the circle rather than trying to cross it.

Second workshop with Leo on Shamanic Journeying - spirit guide was Golden Eagle.  Live in your body, look after it!  Follows on from Goddess card this morning so more clear messages :-)  Journey to Lower World for myself.  Ros's suggestion of what NOT to do worked better than several previous intentions to find out what to do next.  Don't rent out house before Christmas, don't rekindle romantic relationship with Rich.  Possibly give up skydiving.  More clearing out.  Definitely sell Porsche.  Prepare for big shift. 

Day 4 of 30

Woke early, deactivated the alarm and went back to sleep.  Slept until 8 though could have gone later.  
Earth Magic card - Forest: Breath.  Need to take slow deep breaths and release.  
Goddess card - Isis: Past Life.  It tells me to do past life regression which was a workshop I rejected yesterday!
Bought an arctic wolf drum bag from Julie who has the stall opposite, even though my drum totem is a buzzard!  
Julie MacRobert, Child of Importance  macrobert1@tiscali.co.uk

Did the Past Life Regression workshop with Juanita and was partly bemused and partly disappointed.  Was very frustrating that she kept letting people in late then losing her train of thought.  We had a couple of volunteers and got the predictable 'death-by-hanging-and-I've-got-throat-chakra-issues' and a 'death-by-stabbing-and-I-have-pains-in-my-gut'.  I'm somewhat cynical about past life regression but then I don't think I've been here before and if I have any choice in the matter, I definitely won't be back.  When we did the meditation to go back to our past life that needed to be resolved, I ended up as an alien energy form, with feelings of being abandoned and alone, with very great loss, despite other beings there with me.  Also fairly predictable given my beliefs.  Not sure quite why I needed to go through the process but I'm learning to do as I'm told, lol.  

Drew a card to give me guidance on what to do with Rich and drew Vision Quest again!  So that is very clear and from our discussions so far, looks like it will be in October.  Took another one to see what I needed to learn from my experience with Jay and drew Whale - Breach.  Another fairly clear message so they do occasionally answer questions!!

Fell asleep watching Ros make a drum and dreamed about someone taking me to see his death in a car accident.  He wasn't upset about it and said he hadn't felt most of it.  Presumably that's my brain trying to process the workshop from earlier.  

Chatted with Ros a bit then got into bed properly.  Was holding Rich's wooden heart when he texted me at 11:30pm to say he could feel me and I was happy.  Had a brief chat via text then I fell asleep again.   

Day 3 of 30

Very varied day, got up early, finished packing and headed up to Sibson to try out Andy's rig.  Turned out to be much too big for me but Damo has one that may be suitable and Chris has given the go-ahead for me to get a 170 container with a 190 main.  Jumped the Nav 200 and stood up the landing - apart from turning slightly faster, it didn't really seem any different from the Nav 240 so will try and keep on the 200 from now on at Sib. 
Now at Clophill with Ros at Earthdance, setting up the bell tent, ready for selling drums and rattles and for 3 days of festival with various workshops :-)

Had a look at the programme and am very tempted by several workshops.  Definitely not getting up for 7am yoga though and will see what time I wake up before deciding about 7:30 mantra, lol. 

Lovely supper of baked potato, beans, cheese and salad for £3.50.  Haven't been back for cake yet but they looked amazing.  As before, wood burner in bell tent is super efficient and we are now melting!

Currently discussing options of Vision Quest weekends with Rich, and liaising with Ros to find out how to arrange it with the farmer.  What a turn up for the books!

Wednesday 27 August 2014

Day 2 of 30

27 Aug 2014: 

Slept really deeply last night and was only woken by the sound of a text message. Considered going back to sleep but decided to get a few things done this morning before heading out to the climbing wall with Sam at lunchtime, then will see what the afternoon brings :-)

Haven't fully unpacked the car and am already gathering stuff together for my next trip (heading up to Earthdance on Thursday) so would like to make a bit of progress on the house before I leave.  Baby steps will do !  My bedroom is next on the target list, it will be great to have a restful place to sleep instead of walls that need paint stripping off and plastering.....

A few other little niggly jobs to do today, like booking a car service and MOT, starting the process of selling the Porsche and going shopping for things I need for my next camping trip.  Like a kettle!!

So I decided to draw a card for the month of September to see what might be in store - big shock to draw "Desert - Vision Quest"!!  I have been considering doing another Vision Quest for a while and nearly signed up to do a women-only one in the summer.  Then shied away from it, though also considered the September Quest in North Wales.  Other opportunities came up and again, I dropped the idea so I was more than a little startled to be presented with this one.  Though I have also offered to hold the space for someone else who wanted to do a Vision Quest on his own terms - maybe that would provide the solitude and quiet without needing to dedicate 11 days, a lot of money and a lot of travelling.  I figured I might need a Power Animal to go along with the Quest so pulled Squirrel  - Preparation: Get ready for BIG CHANGES (card emphasis, not mine!).  Whilst I was shuffling the deck, a card fell out face-down so I put it to one side.  When I turned it over, it was my very first Power Animal Koala - Empathy.  Getting side-swiped here, lol.  To top it all off, I drew a Goddess Guidance card since I'm obviously going to need some help with this little lot and got Mother Mary - Expect a Miracle.  Guess I'd better buckle my seatbelt and get ready for the ride.....

Tuesday 26 August 2014

30 days of journaling - Day 1

26 August 2014.
My journaling has taken a bit of a holiday for several months.  I occasionally scribble in a notebook and I journal when on retreat or on courses, but mostly I have lost the habit.  Last month I was working with Hazel on the Celtic Tree journey and was supposed to journal every day.  I managed day 1 and that was it, lol.  So here is a new attempt to write something every day and see what comes up.

It is late in the evening and I have just got back from another day on Exmoor, this time with the Celtic Tree "Apple".  Technically, it should be Crab Apple as that is the only native species of apple in the UK, though they are difficult to find in the wild as they aren't edible and have mostly been supplanted by grafted species.  

August has been a turbulent month, with the loss of my beloved collie cross Lady and the breakup of a passionate but short-lived relationship.  My ex has reappeared in my life 8 months after I left him and there are tentative signs that perhaps we might be able to be friends after a fashion.  I am still very wary and am definitely not looking to rekindle anything, quite the opposite in fact.  
I had hoped to have finished doing up the house by the end of July and it looks like the end of August will also come and go before completion.  It definitely doesn't feel like home and the urge to move on is as strong as ever, though I am somewhat lacking in motivation at the moment.  

I have camped a lot in the last few months and I sleep better under canvas than I do anywhere else.  Glamping for my birthday weekend was fun, although somewhat tainted with losing Lady on the Friday I was supposed to go, and then officially splitting with Jay on the Monday which was also my birthday.  No great loss as I had already decided it wasn't working for me, though he was particularly immature and cowardly about ending things.  

The Wild Camp was not quite what I had anticipated, though I did get some very clear messages and again, sleeping in a tent worked well.  I could have slept a lot more than I did, the 7:30 drumming alarm was somewhat unwelcome, lol.  

I have gone back to skydiving after a 2 month break.  It took a couple of jumps to get my landings sorted again, but had a great time at Chatteris and did some more work towards my FS1 qualification.  I did actually do one jump at Sibson on the Saturday but I think Chatteris may well be my preferred dz now, especially if Sibson turns into a tandem factory which is looking likely. 

Came home and felt compelled to draw a card.  Couldn't decide which deck so started with "Earth Magic" and pulled Ancestors - Generations.  My Power Animal Oracle card was Dove (serenity) - Slow Down, pause and breathe, then my Goddess Guidance card was Aphrodite - Inner Goddess: Awaken the Goddess within you through dance, self-care and appreciating your divinity.  All very relevant to the messages and realisations I have had recently so I guess I'm heading in the right direction with going to the Earth Dance gathering this weekend :-) 

Thursday 30 January 2014

Healing - from a prompt in a writing circle :-)


Healing through writing: 30 Jan 2014

Prompt:  think about and then describe a space or place you would go to for healing. It can be a real location, or make one up. Get detailed about what it looks like, feels like, sounds like. Are you there alone or with others? How does being in this space/place make you feel? What qualities are healing? Have fun, let it flow, and write in whatever form and for however long feels good to you!

The place I would go to is real – a beach in Northern Spain that is reached by scrambling down a path through a pine forest.  The beach is long and golden, with roaring breakers of surf.  I have been there twice, once with my Spanish friend Rosalina (though I actually don’t remember that visit) and once alone when I walked several miles there from the nearest village whilst she was doing a course for the day.  It wasn’t the beach she had directed me to, I took a wrong turning and just kept going for some reason J
The sun is hot on my skin as I take off my clothes and wade into the warm water.  I can feel the sand slithering around under my feet as the waves suck the grains from under me, then the energy of the surging tide as the water comes rushing back in around my feet, ankles, calves and up over my knees.  I walk a little deeper so the water remains covering my lower legs, and is now swirling up and down to my waist.  I shiver, the water feels colder now as it touches the dry skin, though my legs are tingling and feel warm as I wriggle my feet deep into the shifting sand.  I hear gulls calling above me and the sound of children shouting and laughing a long way off down the beach.  This stretch is deserted so I have the luxury of solitude whilst feeling distantly connected to other people.  I let my hands dangle in the water – the tide is coming in so the water is deeper now, though I haven’t moved from my place.  I watch my hands float on the surface, bob up and down with the movement of the sea and I find myself musing on how alien they look in this environment.  Hands are not really designed for catching, holding, moving water – I am making no impression on the ocean at all as I stir the water, only when I lift my hands up and out, then drop them in again, making splashes, do I see a minor impact.  I splash more, dragging bubbles of air deep under the surface and watching them rise and explode at the surface.  They tickle when they touch my legs under the water and suddenly I want to swim and splash and play so I launch myself forward into the next wave and kick strongly.  And I can feel the power of the water around me, tugging and pulling at me, yet also supporting me.  Such a dichotomy – I am supported because I choose to be so, if I stop moving or hold my body differently, I will sink beneath the water.  Yet if I truly relax, I will float.  And the motion of being rocked washes away my worries, my fears, heals the places within me that cannot be touched any other way.  And I am reminded of the quote by Isak Dinesen, “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.” Y

This is my place :-)
 

Drumming with Isis at Crystal Dragon - 29 Jan


Had a fabulous drumming session with the lovely Heather at Crystal Dragon tonight.  Was lovely to see Carolyn and Amanda again, and to meet Helen and Mick. 


One of our activities was a journey for guidance on 2014.  I started in the woods where we had our visit to see the Alder trees and crossed the river on a log of Alder with Pippin scampering at my heels.  As I moved further into the woods, they turned into the pine forest in Spain with the pathway leading down to the beach.  I made my way down and started paddling in the ocean, which quickly turned to wading, then swimming.  My Goddess for 2014, Sedna, swam up to meet me surrounded by seals and her message to me was very clear: “Remember this is your year of transformation!”.  And I turned into a seal and swam and played with Sedna and the seals, plus some dolphins who also turned up J 

As we played, swimming and diving, I had a vision of the sand mandala I created last summer on the Reiki Retreat at Bluff Cove in Cornwall, where I wrote “I am free to live joyfully”.  Yes, definitely.  Much more joy and playing this year.  Sedna gently reminded me that I need to remember who I really am when I am happy and full of life and vitality.  The past year has dragged me down, I have not been happy for a very long time and it’s time to return to that carefree state. 

As the drum called me back, I came to the water’s edge and shed my Selkie seal skin to return back up the path to forest and to my log bridge to cross back over the river.  I thanked Sedna and the seals and dolphins for the messages and the playfulness and came back feeling very refreshed.



I was also given a healing session where I chose “letting go” as one of my main themes, along with Rest.  My ego really does need to take a break from control!!  As the drums played around me, I felt a Wyvern come up behind me and wrap his wings around me to shield me from outside influences and give me some respite.  Then either he became very large or I got very small, as he lifted me in his claws and flew up into the sky with me.  I could feel the drumming vibrating all around me as we were flying, and I was free from all restraints, just being lightly held as I felt the up and down sweep of the steady wingbeats carrying us along. 

Sunday 26 January 2014

Ponderings - 26 Jan

Just had an amazing Spreecast session with Julie and some of the Mandala Mavens and it reminded me that I need to update my blog.  I still haven't posted my December Stage 12 mandala, let alone my new Stage 1 mandala for this year's Mandala Magic - oops!

So checking in, how am I doing? Very confused in some ways, very clear in others.  Sleeping well for the first time in over 2 years - 7 nights in a row now!!!  Letting go and moving forward is definitely a massive step in the right direction. 
Still struggling to let go of the final contact with Rich after leaving in December.  I've been able to resist responding to his last email from Wednesday last week (I know, I know) though I have been tempted many times, and have been over and over literally hundreds of potential responses in my head, ranging from calm, simple closing statements to pages and pages of raging and demands for him to understand me.  And in the end, this afternoon, I simply deleted the message and its associated historical messages and emptied the trash folder so I couldn't change my mind.  And I have found some peace in that.  Though later this afternoon, my head turned back to ways of re-initiating contact, of starting a new email thread, of having a prepared response for when I next come into contact with him.  So I grabbed my Oracle cards for some guidance on whether this is all just ego, or if I really do need to have some final contact.  And the answers were very clear - move on, it's over, you have said what you needed to say, let that be the end of it.  And even then my ego couldn't quite drop it so I went to one of my favourite decks, the Power Animal oracle cards (Stephen D Farmer) to see if there was any teensy weensy chance at all that I should just sneak out one last email.  And I drew Otter: Surrender.  LET GO of control (yes, that emphasis is on the actual card, rofl).  And checking the book "... releasing any attempts to force your agenda on life."  Ahh, ok then, can't really get much clearer than that without a smack in the face with a wet fish, pmsl. 

I think I'm starting to understand how mothers of teenagers feel when they really should just let go and let nature take its course. That itching feeling of needing to keep just a tentative little guiding hand available, just to steer a smidge in the right direction, that gets slapped away with increasing irritation by aforementioned teengrunt (word shamelessly borrowed from Donna, lol) as they strive to find their own way in the world, work out their own ways of doing things and learn how finally (hopefully!) to grow up! 

Monday 6 January 2014

Completion of my I am, I am, I am art journal


 This was quite a voyage of discovery for me.  Initially it started out as a way of learning some art journaling techniques to see if I could make the method work for me.  I definitely struggle to cut out images and words from magazines to make coherent art but I love the results that other people produce and wanted to see if learning more about it would help.

I don't know that I really got much further forward in that regard, but I certainly found out a lot more about myself and produced a journal that delights me :-)

I followed Julie's prompts to find out what topics I would use for each spread - the inside pages came first and the cover came after I had finished.  In all, it took about 3 months to complete... some of the images have been published elsewhere in my blog, but it seemed fitting to put them all together to show the end result.

Front cover

 My front cover has a Celtic triskele, which felt highly appropriate for both the past / present / future aspect and for the triple wording of the I am, I am, I am title.  The background is sponged acrylics over white gesso; the basic triskele was an attempt at a print transfer which didn't work out too well, so I painted over it with a fine paint brush with black acrylic.  The writing and spiral were added freehand.

First spread
So my first spread was about the things which are supposed to be important to me, the things that society, my family, other people have all indicated to me are the trappings of success (trapping being the operative word!!).  My house, my car, my degree certificates, my marriage, conventional learning and knowledge (represented by the owls) and all the gold stars that signify approval from other people. 
Looking at this once it was complete, I was struck by how little my achievements fill the space.  It looks really empty, which was how I felt about most of these.  They didn't fill me with the happiness and sense of pride they were expected to, I wasn't satisfied with my life and didn't really know why.

Second spread
 The second spread moved on to my less conventional achievements - my energy work, my Reiki, drumming, shamanic journeying, mandala work.  This whole spread looks so much lighter and brighter to me, lots of sparkle and embellishments.  I look at this and smile :-)  These things all mean so much to me!

Third spread
The third spread was for all my other activities and things which make me happy.  My pole dancing, my skydiving, my Jack Russell Pippin who is sadly no longer with me.  Sailing, swimming with wild dolphins, fast cars, indoor rock-climbing, aerial silks, hoop, Vision Quests, abseiling, Stonehenge at sunset, The Wildlife Centre, drumming - a very eclectic mix that sums up contradictions and paradoxes in my life :-)

Fourth spread
 This spread took a long time to complete.  The handprints were a spontaneous act when playing with some modelling clay - I was trying to soften some old clay with water because I wanted to make a model of a goddess and my hands were completely covered with gloop.  I went to wash them and suddenly saw my background spread laid out where it had been drying for a couple of days.  On impulse I splatted my hand straight onto the page, then liked the effect so covered the spread. This was supposed to be about my cheerleaders, the people who support me, nourish me and keep me going so it took a while before it came to me how to best represent that.  In the end, I added butterflies and hearts for all the wonderful women in my life, through my Mandala Mavens, Goddess Guidance circle, Sassy SHE sistas, my close friends and confidantes and so on.  And paw prints for my beloved Pippin who is the spirit of my Reiki healing drum and who I feel close to me frequently.

Fifth spread
There was a time when I thought this spread would never be completed.  It was meant to represent where I am now, what my path in life is and I had no ideas at all.  I created the background and it sat looking at me, day after day.  Then one day I was doing some intuitive writing and a poem just flowed, which is the one I copied onto the left page.  That then led to the realisation that I am a writer - whether it be through my occasional poems, my journaling, my blogs, articles, random notes, love letters, long emails to friends - it doesn't matter, I just love to write.  And so, after a while, when I couldn't find an image that fit, I decided the most appropriate thing was actually the words :-)

Back cover
This came to me at pretty much the same time as the front cover - I sponge painted the front and back at the same time as a single spread (see below) and it's fascinating now to see how the colours changed through my art journal.  It started off very green and blue, with the odd purple accent then suddenly changed dramatically as I discovered my calling.  And that followed through with the spontaneous sponging of the cover.  I absolutely adore spirals, they have been a theme for me (along with hearts) throughout my mandala course and so when I found this image online, I had to recreate it.  As with the front cover, this was an attempt at an ink transfer that didn't work very well, so I ended up painting this on with a very fine paint brush.

Cover, as it was painted