Healing - from a prompt in a writing circle :-)

Healing through writing: 30 Jan 2014

Prompt:  think about and then describe a space or place you would go to for healing. It can be a real location, or make one up. Get detailed about what it looks like, feels like, sounds like. Are you there alone or with others? How does being in this space/place make you feel? What qualities are healing? Have fun, let it flow, and write in whatever form and for however long feels good to you!

The place I would go to is real – a beach in Northern Spain that is reached by scrambling down a path through a pine forest.  The beach is long and golden, with roaring breakers of surf.  I have been there twice, once with my Spanish friend Rosalina (though I actually don’t remember that visit) and once alone when I walked several miles there from the nearest village whilst she was doing a course for the day.  It wasn’t the beach she had directed me to, I took a wrong turning and just kept going for some reason J

The sun is hot on my skin as I take off my clothes and wade into the warm water.  I can feel the sand slithering around under my feet as the waves suck the grains from under me, then the energy of the surging tide as the water comes rushing back in around my feet, ankles, calves and up over my knees.  I walk a little deeper so the water remains covering my lower legs, and is now swirling up and down to my waist.  I shiver, the water feels colder now as it touches the dry skin, though my legs are tingling and feel warm as I wriggle my feet deep into the shifting sand.  I hear gulls calling above me and the sound of children shouting and laughing a long way off down the beach.  This stretch is deserted so I have the luxury of solitude whilst feeling distantly connected to other people.  I let my hands dangle in the water – the tide is coming in so the water is deeper now, though I haven’t moved from my place.  I watch my hands float on the surface, bob up and down with the movement of the sea and I find myself musing on how alien they look in this environment.  Hands are not really designed for catching, holding, moving water – I am making no impression on the ocean at all as I stir the water, only when I lift my hands up and out, then drop them in again, making splashes, do I see a minor impact.  I splash more, dragging bubbles of air deep under the surface and watching them rise and explode at the surface.  They tickle when they touch my legs under the water and suddenly I want to swim and splash and play so I launch myself forward into the next wave and kick strongly.  And I can feel the power of the water around me, tugging and pulling at me, yet also supporting me.  Such a dichotomy – I am supported because I choose to be so, if I stop moving or hold my body differently, I will sink beneath the water.  Yet if I truly relax, I will float.  And the motion of being rocked washes away my worries, my fears, heals the places within me that cannot be touched any other way.  And I am reminded of the quote by Isak Dinesen, “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.” Y

This is my place :-)

 

Drumming with Isis at Crystal Dragon - 29 Jan

Had a fabulous drumming session with the lovely Heather at Crystal Dragon tonight.  Was lovely to see Carolyn and Amanda again, and to meet Helen and Mick. 

One of our activities was a journey for guidance on 2014.  I started in the woods where we had our visit to see the Alder trees and crossed the river on a log of Alder with Pippin scampering at my heels.  As I moved further into the woods, they turned into the pine forest in Spain with the pathway leading down to the beach.  I made my way down and started paddling in the ocean, which quickly turned to wading, then swimming.  My Goddess for 2014, Sedna, swam up to meet me surrounded by seals and her message to me was very clear: “Remember this is your year of transformation!”.  And I turned into a seal and swam and played with Sedna and the seals, plus some dolphins who also turned up J 

As we played, swimming and diving, I had a vision of the sand mandala I created last summer on the Reiki Retreat at Bluff Cove in Cornwall, where I wrote “I am free to live joyfully”.  Yes, definitely.  Much more joy and playing this year.  Sedna gently reminded me that I need to remember who I really am when I am happy and full of life and vitality.  The past year has dragged me down, I have not been happy for a very long time and it’s time to return to that carefree state. 

As the drum called me back, I came to the water’s edge and shed my Selkie seal skin to return back up the path to forest and to my log bridge to cross back over the river.  I thanked Sedna and the seals and dolphins for the messages and the playfulness and came back feeling very refreshed.

I was also given a healing session where I chose “letting go” as one of my main themes, along with Rest.  My ego really does need to take a break from control!!  As the drums played around me, I felt a Wyvern come up behind me and wrap his wings around me to shield me from outside influences and give me some respite.  Then either he became very large or I got very small, as he lifted me in his claws and flew up into the sky with me.  I could feel the drumming vibrating all around me as we were flying, and I was free from all restraints, just being lightly held as I felt the up and down sweep of the steady wingbeats carrying us along. 

Ponderings - 26 Jan

Just had an amazing Spreecast session with Julie and some of the Mandala Mavens and it reminded me that I need to update my blog.  I still haven't posted my December Stage 12 mandala, let alone my new Stage 1 mandala for this year's Mandala Magic - oops!

So checking in, how am I doing? Very confused in some ways, very clear in others.  Sleeping well for the first time in over 2 years - 7 nights in a row now!!!  Letting go and moving forward is definitely a massive step in the right direction. 
Still struggling to let go of the final contact with Rich after leaving in December.  I've been able to resist responding to his last email from Wednesday last week (I know, I know) though I have been tempted many times, and have been over and over literally hundreds of potential responses in my head, ranging from calm, simple closing statements to pages and pages of raging and demands for him to understand me.  And in the end, this afternoon, I simply deleted the message and its associated historical messages and emptied the trash folder so I couldn't change my mind.  And I have found some peace in that.  Though later this afternoon, my head turned back to ways of re-initiating contact, of starting a new email thread, of having a prepared response for when I next come into contact with him.  So I grabbed my Oracle cards for some guidance on whether this is all just ego, or if I really do need to have some final contact.  And the answers were very clear - move on, it's over, you have said what you needed to say, let that be the end of it.  And even then my ego couldn't quite drop it so I went to one of my favourite decks, the Power Animal oracle cards (Stephen D Farmer) to see if there was any teensy weensy chance at all that I should just sneak out one last email.  And I drew Otter: Surrender.  LET GO of control (yes, that emphasis is on the actual card, rofl).  And checking the book "... releasing any attempts to force your agenda on life."  Ahh, ok then, can't really get much clearer than that without a smack in the face with a wet fish, pmsl. 

I think I'm starting to understand how mothers of teenagers feel when they really should just let go and let nature take its course. That itching feeling of needing to keep just a tentative little guiding hand available, just to steer a smidge in the right direction, that gets slapped away with increasing irritation by aforementioned teengrunt (word shamelessly borrowed from Donna, lol) as they strive to find their own way in the world, work out their own ways of doing things and learn how finally (hopefully!) to grow up! 

Completion of my I am, I am, I am art journal


 This was quite a voyage of discovery for me.  Initially it started out as a way of learning some art journaling techniques to see if I could make the method work for me.  I definitely struggle to cut out images and words from magazines to make coherent art but I love the results that other people produce and wanted to see if learning more about it would help.

I don't know that I really got much further forward in that regard, but I certainly found out a lot more about myself and produced a journal that delights me :-)

I followed Julie's prompts to find out what topics I would use for each spread - the inside pages came first and the cover came after I had finished.  In all, it took about 3 months to complete... some of the images have been published elsewhere in my blog, but it seemed fitting to put them all together to show the end result.

Front cover

 My front cover has a Celtic triskele, which felt highly appropriate for both the past / present / future aspect and for the triple wording of the I am, I am, I am title.  The background is sponged acrylics over white gesso; the basic triskele was an attempt at a print transfer which didn't work out too well, so I painted over it with a fine paint brush with black acrylic.  The writing and spiral were added freehand.

First spread

So my first spread was about the things which are supposed to be important to me, the things that society, my family, other people have all indicated to me are the trappings of success (trapping being the operative word!!).  My house, my car, my degree certificates, my marriage, conventional learning and knowledge (represented by the owls) and all the gold stars that signify approval from other people. 
Looking at this once it was complete, I was struck by how little my achievements fill the space.  It looks really empty, which was how I felt about most of these.  They didn't fill me with the happiness and sense of pride they were expected to, I wasn't satisfied with my life and didn't really know why.

Second spread

 The second spread moved on to my less conventional achievements - my energy work, my Reiki, drumming, shamanic journeying, mandala work.  This whole spread looks so much lighter and brighter to me, lots of sparkle and embellishments.  I look at this and smile :-)  These things all mean so much to me!

Third spread

The third spread was for all my other activities and things which make me happy.  My pole dancing, my skydiving, my Jack Russell Pippin who is sadly no longer with me.  Sailing, swimming with wild dolphins, fast cars, indoor rock-climbing, aerial silks, hoop, Vision Quests, abseiling, Stonehenge at sunset, The Wildlife Centre, drumming - a very eclectic mix that sums up contradictions and paradoxes in my life :-)

Fourth spread

 This spread took a long time to complete.  The handprints were a spontaneous act when playing with some modelling clay - I was trying to soften some old clay with water because I wanted to make a model of a goddess and my hands were completely covered with gloop.  I went to wash them and suddenly saw my background spread laid out where it had been drying for a couple of days.  On impulse I splatted my hand straight onto the page, then liked the effect so covered the spread. This was supposed to be about my cheerleaders, the people who support me, nourish me and keep me going so it took a while before it came to me how to best represent that.  In the end, I added butterflies and hearts for all the wonderful women in my life, through my Mandala Mavens, Goddess Guidance circle, Sassy SHE sistas, my close friends and confidantes and so on.  And paw prints for my beloved Pippin who is the spirit of my Reiki healing drum and who I feel close to me frequently.

Fifth spread

There was a time when I thought this spread would never be completed.  It was meant to represent where I am now, what my path in life is and I had no ideas at all.  I created the background and it sat looking at me, day after day.  Then one day I was doing some intuitive writing and a poem just flowed, which is the one I copied onto the left page.  That then led to the realisation that I am a writer - whether it be through my occasional poems, my journaling, my blogs, articles, random notes, love letters, long emails to friends - it doesn't matter, I just love to write.  And so, after a while, when I couldn't find an image that fit, I decided the most appropriate thing was actually the words :-)

Back cover

This came to me at pretty much the same time as the front cover - I sponge painted the front and back at the same time as a single spread (see below) and it's fascinating now to see how the colours changed through my art journal.  It started off very green and blue, with the odd purple accent then suddenly changed dramatically as I discovered my calling.  And that followed through with the spontaneous sponging of the cover.  I absolutely adore spirals, they have been a theme for me (along with hearts) throughout my mandala course and so when I found this image online, I had to recreate it.  As with the front cover, this was an attempt at an ink transfer that didn't work very well, so I ended up painting this on with a very fine paint brush.

Cover, as it was painted